Why Emotional Dependence Destroys Your Relations

Emotional dependence is the main cause of many dating problems. When you meet new people, emotional dependence makes you unattractive, and in relationships, your dependence on your partner prevents you from meeting him at eye level. In this article, you will learn what emotional dependency means, what specific problems it causes, and how to overcome your emotional dependence.

Emotional dependence is an asshole.

It prevents many people from attracting new partners and maintaining healthy relationships. Relationships based on mutual appreciation, love and appreciation.

No matter if you are male or female, young or old, big or small:

Emotional dependence is the main cause of many dating and relationship issues.

But what is emotional dependence anyway?


Emotional dependence means that you need an unhealthy level of affirmation and acceptance from other people. You are unable to satisfy your own emotional needs, making your happiness, well-being, self-esteem and state of mind highly dependent on other people. This often means that you have no boundaries, bend yourself for others and hide your true needs, because you want to please others and want to please them. Are you emotionally dependent, do you need something from other people? And because you need something, you do not give yourself the way you are, but the way you think others would like it. You pretend, adapt and hide certain pages from yourself.

Do not get me wrong here.

We all need positive feedback and confirmation from our fellow human beings. But if you want to please others at any cost and always want to please them, it will be a problem. To a BIG PROBLEM. Before I tell you how to become emotionally independent, let’s look at what causes emotional dependence.

Emotional dependence in the introductory phase. When you meet new people, emotional dependence causes you to invest much more in other people than you do in yourself. You invest significantly more time, energy and feelings in people than you in yourself. If you feel like you’re always running after others and that you’re more interested in them than they are in you, that’s a clear sign of emotional dependence.

Here are a few more examples:

Are you devastated if you send someone a message and they do not answer you within 10 minutes?

Are you sending others 7 messages, even though they always write you one?

Do you regularly fall in love with people you hardly know?

Are you throwing away your complete schedule, telling your best friends and starving your poor hamster home alone just to meet someone you barely know?


Have you ever sent someone a thirteen-page love letter after the first date? Or a poem? Or a self-written song? Do you regularly imagine what it would be like to have a relationship with someone, to have children, or to live with them, even though you do not really know that person its strangers for you and you want talk to strangers?

All these are clear signs of emotional dependence.

You invest an inappropriate amount of time, energy and feelings into other people. Or in other words, you run after other people.

And that’s what makes you unattractive.

Emotionally dependent

Emotionally dependent? Not me!

Does that mean that emotionally dependent people never find a partner? Of course not. But if they find one, they usually have unhealthy relationships.

Emotional dependence in relationships

Emotional dependence leads to unhealthy, since dependent love relationships.


For one thing, emotionally dependent people often engage in relationships for the wrong reasons. I know men who only engage in a relationship to have sex regularly. And I know women who only engage in a relationship because they cannot be alone.

On the other hand, emotionally dependent people often build their identity and their self-worth on the partner. They define themselves through their partner and their relationship, which often leads them to do anything for the partner, unable to draw boundaries and lose themselves in their relationship.

Emotional dependence often leads to destructive relationships that are as healthy as a gin-tonic and two lines of coke for breakfast. In these relationships, games, manipulation, dependency, and drama are the order of the day. These are relationships that are not about growth, intimacy and love, but about power and control.


Emotionally dependent people tend to be extremely nice. They believe that if they are just nice and caring enough to deal with other people, they will eventually realize that they are the right partners for them. What they overlook, however, is that they are not nice to be nice, but because they believe that they will find such a partner. As a result, they suppress their own needs, have no limits and always adapt. It is thus a manipulative net, a form of passive aggressiveness. When emotionally dependent people are extremely nice, that has little or nothing to do with kindness and charity. Sorry, if that feels like a slap in your face right now.

Emotional dependence in men

For men, this extreme sweetness often causes them to suppress their own sexuality and do everything for women. They are the classic “nice guys” who meet women, but always land in the friendship corner. No, you do not have to be an asshole to be attractive to women. But suppressing your sexuality, bending you and doing everything for women is the wrong way to go. Solve emotional dependency

Many men are emotionally dependent on women

I can sing a song of it myself, since it was like this for a long time. I used to have little success with women, although I desperately wanted a girlfriend. I saw women in cafes, at parties, at shopping or in the gym and thought to myself: “For such a woman I would do anything!” And that’s exactly what I did back then.

At that time, I had fallen for the assistant secretary from the driving school, where I was doing my driving license. She never got any real signs of interest from her, yet I brought her roses for Valentine’s Day and invited her into a luxury restaurant for dinner – I had already reserved the table. I could not really afford the dinner. I write, because she refused my invitation at that time. When I asked why, she explained to me that she already knew what it would be like and that she did not feel like it! Of course, I hid my anger and my disappointment and just told her that this was not a problem and that maybe we could go another time…

At that time I invested much more in them than they in me, I bent for them and did not stand by my views. A prime example of emotional dependence in getting to know new people and start free chat.

Emotional dependence in women

Emotionally dependent women are less likely to find bed partners.

This is simply because the inhibition threshold for sex is lower in the vast majority of men than in women. But just because these women dress men does not mean that they have no dating issues. With them, it is often the case that they cling extremely, behave submissively, and need so much closeness and affirmation that every halfway reasonable man takes off. Or they always come back to men who exploit or play with them because they set no limits.


Emotionally dependent on the partner

Emotional dependence affects women as well as men

Several years ago I dated a professional volleyball player. She was a few years younger than me. We met a total of four times and slept in their bed together on the last date, but we had no sex. With her I felt very well that she felt lonely and longed for affection and love. But she did not long for my affection, not for my love, but only for some affection, for the love of anyone. After waking up in bed with her in the morning, I finished the story and left.

I finished the whole thing because I knew that this was not a healthy form of attraction and it did neither me nor her good.

Characteristics of Emotional Dependence

The extreme sweetness is not the only expression of emotional dependency. Although people want to appear strong and independent at all costs, this is often a form of emotional dependency – but it is less common. As a general rule, as long as you pretend to acknowledge and acknowledge others – in whatever form – you are emotionally dependent because you base your self-image on the opinions of others.

Here are some characteristics that often apply to emotionally dependent people:

They rely heavily on the affirmation and recognition of other people.

They do not say what they think, but what others want to hear.

They do not stand by their sexuality or cannot express it.

They have no fixed values, no clear opinions and often no own point of view.

Every decision is fine for her.

They always adapt.

Their own needs are behind those of others.

They are convinced that if they are just nice and caring enough, they will be loved and respected by other people.

They invest much more time, energy and emotions in people than they do in them.

They confuse love with dependency.



Emotional dependence has different causes. One of them is an overly romantic idea of ​​attraction and love. I call it the “romance problem”. I have nothing against romance in itself. Not really.

But through my work, I am always aware of how harmful an überromantisierte view of things in dating is. This is mainly due to love films and heartbreaking novels, which give us a rather distorted picture of reality. Because of the romance problem, many people believe that true love overcomes everything, or that if they only fight long enough for a human, it will eventually realize that they are the right partner for him. For this I can only completely convinced “Bullshit” answer.

Neither can true love overcome everything, nor should you chase after a person who is not interested in you for years (more on that later). Yes, love is important and a driving force of life. But love cannot overcome everything and love – unlike the Beatles sing in their world-famous song “All You Need Is Love” – is not the only thing we need. Sorry, dear Beatles.

Cling relationship

Dependence or love?

The more different we are, the more complicated is the coexistence. And sometimes there are differences between two people that are simply too big. Unfortunately, we all too often believe that we can change a person with our love and devotion. But a person will change only if he wants it – no matter how much we love him. I know that from my own family.

Already when my father and my mother met, my father was an alcoholic. He was independent and successful, but drank every night. My mother had believed for years that he would give up drinking for her. Nope. Until his death in 2014, my father drank every day. He stopped drinking neither for the love of my mother nor for the love of the mother of my half-siblings, nor for the love of his own children. The last years of his life he spent alone and lonely, as he had put the alcohol above everything else.

A person does not change until he wants it. No matter how much you love him. Write this behind your ears. Or the modern variant: let it tattoo on the forearm. An overly romantic attitude can lead to years of chasing after a person who is not interested in us. Is this effort worth it sometimes? Yes, but extremely rare. If you ask this one person who was worth it, he will surely tell you: “Never doubt the true love! Love overcomes everything!”

We are all too happy to overlook the fact that many of the disappointed and lonely women and men who have not been worth the effort have missed out on the one who made the long wait worthwhile.

From where I know this? I regularly receive emails from them.

Out of dependence on the partner

Finally, too romantic a view of things is the reason why we confuse adult and healthy love with being in love, and thus make completely false expectations of our relationships. But there are clear differences between love and being in love and we should be aware of this. For more visit our site free chat rooms

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